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About Deviant Artist Member Leonard Lawrence McCoyMale/United States Recent Activity
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Exam by Jerimin19

I always enjoy it when an artist offers critique. I'd do it myself, but it requires some kind of prerequisite which I don't have. With ...

You know, it's rare that I come across a stamp on dA that asks for critique. Most of them are expected to stand on their own. I'm going...


Go past three movies, and your franchise starts to suffer. Prequels are never good. And every trilogy has one lesser entry. These are three rules that I’ve seen throughout film franchises. And when you combine all three into one movie, you end up with a big fat Number Two. Specifically, Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. This movie, in my eyes, is the absolute worst live-action Star Wars movie (I haven’t seen The Clone Wars movie, so I can’t comment on that.) to be made. It will forever be responsible for radically altering Star Wars in the public consciousness. But what IS wrong with the movie? Let’s find out, shall we? It’s time to learn…

(and a few things right)

There’s an old saying somewhere that says “You have to suffer for your art.” George Lucas instead makes us suffer for his art because he got tired of suffering for his own art. Not intentionally, of course, he thought it’d be a good comeback. And most people thought so, too. Problem is, this would be the movie that forever sunk Lucas’ career. This was Lucas’ third strike, the movie that forever destroyed his reputation. He would no longer join the ranks of good directors like Steven Spielberg or Alfred Hitchcock, or other writers he would work with before. Instead, he would forever be cursed with a reputation equaling Michael Bay and M. Night Shamalyn. Only this time, there was no escape. He couldn’t get out of this corner. The only way out was to lend Star Wars to someone else.

So what do I mean by Lucas not wanting to suffer for his art? Well, this was the first movie to be filmed digitally, most of the elements being made on a blue screen. But why? Why was this even necessary? You can already create some amazing environments with models and mattes. You can also color-key things to make them look alien. The end result is a movie that looks fake, with limited availability in blocking options. And in the end, Lucas would adapt this directing style to The Clone Wars cartoon, despite being all CG. I guess he never learned from his mistakes.

Speaking of which, it’s kinda funny how Lucas’ development played out. Starting out with student films with limited options, then movies you could make with all real elements, then inventing special effects and practical models for his next few movies, then remaking those movies with computers, doing another movie with more computer effects, then making two movies with even the backgrounds being done on computers, and finally, a TV show where EVERYTHING is done on a computer, even the music! I suspect had Lucas continued, he would’ve moved on to a project with synthetic voice actors. It’d make auditions weird though. Microsoft Sam confirmed as the lead actor in Star Wars VII!

If you haven’t seen my last review of Episode I, go see that now. You’ll know what I’m going to do. For those who don’t want to experience Episode I even second-hand, then you really shouldn’t be reading this one, since this movie is worse. For those who think they can handle it… good luck. But anyway, I’m going to examine every single detail about this movie; EVERY. SINGLE. PIXEL. Also, for this entry, I’ll be looking at paratext and Expanded Universe documents made before this movie, but not any made after it. They’re trying to make as much sense of this as I am.

I should also point out that there are multiple versions of this movie. The original theatrical version, the DVD version, and the Blu-ray version. I’m taking a look at the DVD version, so if details don’t match up, this is why.

Are you ready to experience pain like you’ve never felt before? I hope you’re sitting comfortably, this is gonna be a BIG one!

• Our experience begins with something that’s WRONG (1) before the movie even starts: the trailer. To understand what this means, we must look at the hype surrounding each movie. The Phantom Menace’s trailer was a big deal: being released during a drought of Star Wars material, and many people were excited for it. With each trailer, the excitement built up heavily, peaking with the release of the movie itself. That it dropped sharply after it was released doesn’t matter; that trailer had everyone pumped! Episode III was a bit more personal for me. I saw Darth Vader show up in the trailer, and I was very excited. I and a neighbor of mine quoted lines from this trailer to each other day in and day out. The trailer even seemed to tell a story of its own. And while not too many people were hyped for this one, the fact that it hyped at least a few people should speak to its capacity to excite.
What about Episode II? My reaction to the trailer was more along the lines of, “Oh… there’s another Star Wars movie coming out? Neat… I guess.” I didn’t feel anything from these trailers, no emotion, no passion, and no excitement. I was bored of a Star Wars production. In fact, when we went to see the movie, I didn’t even realize it was out! I probably fell asleep during the movie, up to the end segments. And when the movie was over, my family agreed: it was the worst Star Wars thing we’ve seen. (Obviously we haven’t seen the Holiday Special purely out of choice.)
So knowing the excitement from the trailers of the other movies, now you have a movie where even the things meant to get an audience excited for a movie fail for at least one person. How low can we go from here? Let’s find out…
• If you can believe it, our problems start EARLIER than usual, as the sync for the opening logos is off by quite a bit. WRONG (2)
• And just like the last movie, the sync is off with the music and the scrolling of the text. WRONG (3)
• We miss out on quite a bit of plot development, as we’re told in the opening crawl that star systems are leaving the Republic without seeing this ourselves. WRONG (4)
• “… has made it difficult for the large number of Jedi Knights to maintain peace and order in the galaxy.” WE GET IT! Jedi are guardians of peace and justice! We don’t need to hear this multiple times! WRONG (5)
• Once again, the issue seems to be about space politics. None of the other movies had to deal with this, and after a whole movie full of them, I’m getting sick of it. WRONG (6)
• And the movie doesn’t sync well with the final chord of the theme and the action. WRONG (7)
• And to top it off, the next piece of music is exactly the same as the last movie. WRONG (8)

These movies have got to stop having so many problems with them in the very opening of them.

• Once again, we don’t open on a Star Destroyer. WRONG (9)
• And once again, the elements are far too detached from Star Wars. WRONG (10)
• When Amidala’s ship flies to Coruscant, it looks fake along with the Naboo Fighters. WRONG (11)
• Time is wasted by telling us we’re making the final approach to Coruscant. WRONG (12)
• Coruscant’s skyline somehow manages to look even more fake than it used to. WRONG (13)
• This landing sequence also takes too long. WRONG (14)
• And for some reason, R2’s on the landing platform because he’s famous. WRONG (15)
• “I guess I was wrong, there was no danger at all.” “KABOOM!” Ah, that old ‘tempting fate’ cliché. WRONG (16)
• Also, where was it implied something was gonna go wrong with the landing? WRONG (17)
• Third, the explosion looks fake. WRONG (18)
• And so does the smoke from it. WRONG (19)
• “I… failed you Senator….” You’re a decoy. You exist to die so the Queen, er, Senator doesn’t. WRONG (20)
• Furthermore, why does Amidala still have a decoy? How many senators have decoys? WRONG (21)
• By the way, why does a member of the army have no depth perception? A high-ranking member of the army? You’d think he’d be kicked upstairs. WRONG (22)
• You are making way too big a deal about your decoy dying. WRONG (23)
• Welcome to our first Sitting Scene. We will be seeing a lot of these in these next two movies. WRONG (24)
• Also, Yoda’s now CG. A puppet did the job just as well. WRONG (25)
• Palpatine says the Republic has lasted 1000 years. But Obi-Wan earlier said a thousand generations. A generation is much larger than a year. WRONG (26)
• Also, I have no idea why this line is here other than to reference Obi-Wan’s speech. WRONG (27)
• “We’re keepers of the peace, not soldiers.” Isn’t that the same thing? WRONG (28)
• Yoda’s voice has gotten much deeper in these next two movies. It’s not the same as it used to be. WRONG (29)
• “Impossible to see, the future is.” Oh look, it’s just like when Yoda talked about the future in Episode V, except it isn’t. WRONG (30)
• “Seeing you alive brings warm feelings to my heart.” That’s an awkward way to say “Glad to see you’re okay.” WRONG (31)
• Lots of dumping of information in this scene that isn’t necessary or dynamic. WRONG (32)
• Padme doesn’t react at all when told Obi-Wan is coming. WRONG (33)
• Anakin is said to be on edge, but doesn’t look like it in acting. WRONG (34)
• Too many pauses in this elevator conversation. WRONG (35)
• Also, this mainly tells us how Anakin and Obi-Wan are friends without them being in the same room. Come to think of it, every time they are in the same room except here, they tend to argue. WRONG (36)
• Despite not having seen Obi-Wan or Anakin before this scene in ten years, there’s nothing exciting about it. Not even a hug. Jar Jar acts more excited to see them again. WRONG (37)
• “My goodness, you’ve grown.” “So have you. Grown more beautiful, I mean.” Awkward romantic dialogue is awkward, but not romantic. WRONG (38)
• You haven’t made Padme feel good, Anakin, you’ve creeped her out. WRONG (39)
• And now we begin our second Sitting Scene. WRONG (40)
• “We’re here to protect you, Senator, not to start an investigation.” Which is exactly what you’ll be doing after the chase scene. WRONG (41)
• Obi-Wan doesn’t want to go farther than needed rather than go above and beyond the call of duty. So much for being the brash one. WRONG (42)
• Anakin blatantly backtalks his master. Good friends! WRONG (43)
• Random shot of Jar Jar for no reason! WRONG (44)
• Random shot of Typho so to cover up a flubbed take! WRONG (45)
• By the way, the shots when Anakin and Obi-Wan are talking are all the exact same angle. WRONG (46)
• “Meesa bustin’ with happiness seeing yousa again, Annie!” You sure don’t look that way. WRONG (47)
• Anakin reveals he’s a creepy stalker by thinking about her every day… WRONG (48)
• … and makes it too heavy that the woman who hasn’t seen you since you were 8 doesn’t recognize you. WRONG (49)
• Padme turns off the security cameras while an assassin is sneaking up on her. WRONG (50)
• And the reason was because Anakin was being a voyeur. WRONG (51)
• And she programmed R2, who moves slowly and is with her, to warn the two if there was an intruder. By the time he reported it, Padme’d be dead. WRONG (52)
• “I can sense everything going on in that room.” Then why do you need R2? WRONG (53)
• The droid Zam sends out looks fake. WRONG (54)
• Anakin reveals that everyone knows about Anakin’s mother, yet they do nothing about that feeling. WRONG (55)
• Anakin’s acting all throughout this movie is flat and boring. WRONG (56)
• “Be mindful, Anakin, your thoughts betray you.” Oh look, it’s like when Darth Vader said “your thoughts betray you,” except it isn’t. WRONG (57)
• “…she’s a politician and not to be trusted.” Don’t you know her on a personal level? WRONG (58)
• Using bugs to assassinate the target is way too hard. Why not use a sniper rifle? WRONG (59)
• And the bugs look fake, too. WRONG (60)
• “I sense it too.” Thereby implying that Obi-Wan sensed something. WRONG (61)
• Somehow Anakin precisely slices the bugs, but not Padme. WRONG (62)
• For all his talk of being stoic, Obi-Wan rashly jumps out at the droid when he sees it. WRONG (63)
• Also, can that droid even support his weight? It’s so small, it could slowly drift to the ground. WRONG (64)
• Furthermore, how very lucky of you to catch it that easily and not fall to your death. WRONG (65)
• The green-screening of Obi-Wan into the city is really bad. WRONG (66)
• And the music for this scene is bad, too, even incorporating an electric guitar, which is totally out of place in Star Wars. WRONG (67)
• And the car Anakin joyrides looks fake. WRONG (68)
• Furthermore, why does he joyride the car? He could get in trouble when its owner shows up. WRONG (69)
• And why is it so easy to joyride the car? You’d think you’d have to hotwire it or something. WRONG (70)
• The aliens in this scene all look fake. WRONG (71)
• Okay, if Zam had a sniper rifle, why didn’t she use it to assassinate Padme? WRONG (72)
• Obi-Wan falls a long way down, but lands safely on Anakin’s stolen car. “Remember, it’s not the fall… it’s the sudden stop!” WRONG (73)
• Anakin spends way too much time on why he chose his stolen speeder. WRONG (74)
• Furthermore, I guess he just used the Force to find Obi-Wan, but how did he get there? Both were moving pretty fast. WRONG (75)
• “I thought I did!” “Only in your mind, my young apprentice.” Oh look, it’s just like when Yoda said “Only different in your mind,” except it isn’t. WRONG (76)
• How does going vertically down in an open-cockpit car not cause you to fall out of the seat? WRONG (77)
• While I like Anakin’s acting when he’s enjoying himself driving down… GOOD (1)
• … it does make him look too sadistic. WRONG (78)
• The next shot rips off a shot from the Asteroid belt. WRONG (79)
• In fact, it rips off two. WRONG (80)
• How do they get shocked, but still not die? WRONG (81)
• “This is a shortcut… I think.” But what if it wasn’t? You’dve lost him if it wasn’t. WRONG (82)
• Now it’s Anakin’s turn to jump off a high distance and survive. WRONG (83)
• Furthermore, how did you pick up on the assassin’s ki? She’s not force sensitive. WRONG (84)
• This is our first Dropped Lightsaber Reaction Shot. There’ll be one whenever a lightsaber gets dropped. It gets repetitive really fast. WRONG (85)
• How incredibly lucky for the lightsaber to just so happen to fall into Obi-Wan’s hands. WRONG (86)
• When Zam’s speeder crashes into the wall, it looks fake. WRONG (87)
• “He went in there to hide, not to run.” How did you know that? Seriously, Anakin’s been following her, and you haven’t been with her at all. WRONG (88)
• “Why do I get the feeling you’re going to be the death of me?” THIS IS SUBTLE!! CAN YOU SEE HOW SUBTLE THIS IS?! WRONG (89)
• It’s not a very well-acted line, either. WRONG (90)
• It appears that the TVs are showing video game tournaments. Or rather, they look like that since the effects look terrible. WRONG (91)
• “I think she is a changeling.” You didn’t see her change. You can’t tell for sure if she is. WRONG (92)
• “Then we must be extra careful.” Face it, by now, the assassin is long gone. She’s not after you, you should probably leave. WRONG (93)
• Obi-Wan sends Anakin to do all the work while he gets drunk. WRONG (94)
• The Death Sticks scene is pretty funny, though, I’ll give the movie that. GOOD (2)
• That said, the alien looks pretty unconvincing. WRONG (95)
• Why is Zam trying to kill someone here? It’d make more sense if she tried to hide. WRONG (96)
• Furthermore, she doesn’t really use her shape-shifting powers to sneak up on someone. She stays with her human face, without the mask, even. WRONG (97)
• In addition, if she can shape-shift, why doesn’t she become a person close to Padme and try and poison her? WRONG (98)
• Obi-Wan cuts off Zam’s arm in the bar while ripping off Episode IV at the same time. WRONG (99)
• Furthermore, I thought this was a more civilized age? Why are you going straight for dismemberment? WRONG (100)
• Obi-Wan and Anakin play Good Cop Bad Cop with the assassin. WRONG (101)
• Guess what person who should be an upstanding individual plays Bad Cop? WRONG (102)
• And furthermore, why not just use a Jedi Mind Trick to pry the info out of her? WRONG (103)
• So the assassin was hired by another assassin. Assassinception! WRONG (104)

And with that, we finally hit Milestone 1. 24 minutes into the movie, and we’ve already accumulated 104. For reference, in Episode I, we hit 91 problems at thirty minutes and were at Milestone 2. See what I mean about this movie being worse than Episode I?

But we've only just begun our tale of woe, so tune in next time for a missing planet, the formation of a love story that takes over the space action movie, but thankfully also the best character in the movie. And, of course, more things wrong.
Everything Wrong With Episode II Part 1
Also, if you spot something I missed, or have a disagreement, post a comment below. Opinions vary, so I probably won't accept all of them, but I will take a look of each one. Also, note this review is currently in flux, as entries are becoming reduced and added constantly.
So there's a new layout here. My thoughts? Meh. I'll get used to it. I've done so with the other yearly layouts.
In the last hour and a half...

The Trade Federation want to blockade a planet for no good reason. They then try to kill ambassadors for no good reason. They then send an army down to the opposite side of the planet for no good reason.

The ambassadors, who're Jedi, stow aboard separate ships for no good reason. They then go to an underwater city for no good reason. The droids capture the Queen of the planet for no good reason. The Queen and Jedi escape in a ship that's shiny for no good reason. They then thank the droid who helped them do it for no good reason.

They take a detour to Tatooine for no good reason. They meet a boy who was born by the Force for no good reason. When they free him they ignore his mother for no good reason. There's a political scene for no good reason. The Jedi Council denies training Anakin for no good reason.

Jar Jar exists... for no good reason.

And I've been subjecting myself to this torture for no good reason. And I'm continuing for no good reason as we learn the last of...


Let's not waste any more time and get straight into the review. We're almost done here, so I want to get this out of the way.

• The music in the scene where they arrive on Naboo tries really hard to make this exciting, but it isn’t. WRONG (213)
• And we see the problems with the blockade, because we see it in the frame, but not blocking the Naboo Cruiser. This is why we don’t have a really small blockade. WRONG (214)
• Obi Wan knows what a Droid Control Ship is. How did he know that? Did the script, er, the Force tell him that? WRONG (215)
• Jar Jar heads to the Gungan City, but the ship landed on the opposite side of the city, since it’s not near the blockade. But then, if the landing ships came from the blockade, and the blockade was outside Theed… geography is messed up in this movie! WRONG (216)
• “I foresee you will become a great Jedi Knight.” Wait, hold up. The opening crawl says he’s a Jedi Knight, TC-14 says he’s a Jedi Knight, but for some reason he has to be promoted to Jedi Knight? WRONG (217)
• So, in the scene where Amidala meets Boss Nass, Nass uses “bombad” as a bad thing. But the rest of the marketing uses “bombad” in a good way. WRONG (218)
• So if Padme uses a decoy to protect herself, why does she keep accompanying the decoy? WRONG (219)
• Furthermore, why does she let the decoy make all the decisions? WRONG (220)
• In one scene, Jar Jar and Boss Nass looked badly composited. Then I remembered they were both all CG, so they look out of place. WRONG (221)
• Why do they make the clumsy Jar Jar a general? WRONG (222)
• Furthermore, in this scene they use “bombad” in a good way. Is this one of those slang things like “bad” is? WHAT? (4)
• “Without the Viceroy they will be lost and confused.” You mean they don’t have any backup leaders? Or they won’t keep fighting even when they’ve lost the viceroy? WRONG (223)
• They basically plan to use the Gungans as meat shields. Let me remind you that Gungans are supposed to be a primitive culture. Racist, much? WRONG (224)
• And Nute takes the bait and sends the entire droid army to the Gungans rather than keeping some troops with him to guard him. WRONG (225)
• The shot of the tanks coming in, I will say, looks GOOD (23) and is relatively iconic.
• So Qui Gon wants Anakin to be safe and hide when he gets inside rather than leaving him on the ship where he’ll really be safe. WRONG (226)
• There are still droids in the city. I thought you said you were sending the entire army? WRONG (227)
• “Ouch time.” Sadly, I can’t add this to the Jar Jar Does Something Stupid count since it’s not Jar Jar who said that. WRONG (228)
• What kind of shield lets enemies walk through it? Doesn’t that defeat the point of a shield? WRONG (229)
• Jar Jar falls off his mount and properly increases the Jar Jar Does Something Stupid count to 17. WRONG (230)
• And he does a bad job throwing his energy sphere and it increases to 18. WRONG (231)
• Okay, I will admit, Darth Maul’s entrance is awesome. GOOD (24)
• And him igniting his double-bladed lightsaber is also cool. GOOD (25)
• That said, it would’ve been so much better if they had kept that hidden. Instead the trailers spoiled it beforehand and gave us less reason to watch the movie. WRONG (232)
• And with Darth Maul’s appearance, we reach a major thing that’s WRONG (233) with the movie: the ending’s too cluttered. As the Star Wars movies went on, the endings started to increase in number, one in A New Hope, two in Empire, three in Jedi, and now four here. And every single one of those is connected somehow, so none of them can be removed. This has the effect of taking away the audience’s focus and forcing it to move in different directions. We can’t really focus on anything. It just blurs into each other.
• What follows Maul’s appearance is a lightsaber duel, and this looks visually stunning. The choreography is perfectly timed, each hit counts, the style is amazingly dynamic.
You’ll notice, however, I’m not putting that as something that’s good. In fact, I’d say that it’s something that’s WRONG (234). Why is that? Well, it misses the point of lightsaber duels. Any action taken by a character should advance the plot, or reveal some of his character, usually both. Let’s look at an earlier lightsaber duel, for instance, specifically the duel in Empire between Luke and Vader. In round one, Luke starts off being more aggressive. He’s striking more than he’s defending. He even turns on his lightsaber aggressively. Vader, on the other hand, is mostly defending, even turning on his lightsaber calmly. He’s still controlling quite a bit of the field, though, evidenced by him merely moving to send Luke into the Carbon Freeze Chamber.
In round two, Vader’s barely even trying. He effortlessly uses the Force to move objects to hit Luke, not even using his hands. He completely overpowers Luke. In round three, the action is fast, like the climax of a fireworks show. But when Luke hits Vader once, Vader keeps on going. He then makes a successful strike on Luke, cutting off his hand and ending the match. This culminates in the famous “I Am Your Father” scene, everything building up to that point.
We see more of that in Jedi, specifically when Luke gets mad. He doesn’t have any technique, it’s just random slashing. Anger tends to do that to you, make you lose control. And when Luke cuts off Vader’s arm, it all leads up to the best scene in the franchise, the scene where Luke rejects the Dark Side. Everything built up to this moment, and we feel the impact of it.
The problem with each of the prequel lightsaber duels is that there’s no variance, there’s no character development; it’s just flashy fighting for the sake of flashy fighting. Only occasionally does the fighting lead up to anything. The novelizations tell us all these awesome tactics, all this stuff that’s going on, but we don’t see any of it. We don’t see any techniques being pulled aside from a flashy combo. It’s exciting nature for all of it makes it boring. If you were looking for a metaphor for the prequels, this is it: all flash, no substance.
• On that heavy note, let’s go back to Anakin flying. He accidentally does things with the ship. It doesn’t make him a very strong character. WRONG (235)
• How does the helmet in the ship fit Anakin? He’s a kid, it should be too big. WRONG (236)
• And Anakin only flies to the Droid Control Ship by autopilot, taking away his choice. Is there some kind of metaphor for him being a pawn his whole life? WRONG (237)
• Jar Jar is menaced by a dead droid and raises the Jar Jar Does Something Stupid count to 19. WRONG (238)
• “This is tense!” That line is not only unnecessary… WRONG (239)
• …but it’s also poorly acted. WRONG (240)
• There’s a shot that rips off the scene where the falcon views the TIE Interceptors through the cockpit. WRONG (241)
• “Get us off this autopilot. It’s gonna get us both killed.” Oh look, it’s just like when Leia said it’s gonna get them all killed, except it isn’t. WRONG (242)
• “I’ll try spinning, that’s a good trick!” I thought you said you were a pilot. Well, I guess you didn’t say you were a good pilot. WRONG (243)
• Amidala breaks a hole in a window in her own palace. I guess you can have your servants fix it. WRONG (244)
• So what purpose does the room the Jedi are fighting Maul in serve? What are they powering? WRONG (245)
• We see some GOOD (26) character development as the serene Jedi Qui Gon meditates when the barriers are up, and the rage-fueled Maul circles like a shark.
• Jar Jar raises the Jar Jar Does Something Stupid count to an even 20 by releasing a bunch of energy orbs accidentally. WRONG (246)
• And he messes up the Boomer toss on a tank and increases it to 21. WRONG (247)
• And he strikes thrice when he has some shenanigans on the tanks and raises it to 22. WRONG (248)
• Anakin’s “Oops’” are starting to get overdone. WRONG (249)
• If Obi Wan really needed to save Qui Gon, he should’ve used his super speed from the beginning. WRONG (250)
• When Qui Gon is killed, it’s the first time Ewan McGreggor shows emotion. All throughout this movie he’s been very flat and emotionless. WRONG (251)
• Despite being ordered to wipe them out, the droid army tries to take prisoners. WRONG (252)
• Even the Gungan captain expresses his annoyance with Jar Jar as he gives up and raises the Jar Jar Does Something Stupid Count to 23. WRONG (253)
• Wait, how does Nute know the queen talking to her is not a decoy when it’s only Padme? All he’s seen is the decoy. WRONG (254)
• I know it’s practical, but a while back they were building up the Naboo as peaceful. Yet, they keep guns in their chairs. Peaceful and paranoid, I guess. WRONG (255)
• Ewan McGreggor does some GOOD (27), subtle acting when he’s enraged at Qui Gon’s death.
• What isn’t good is that it doesn’t come out in the fight. It’s still flashy and choreographed. We really need to see some of that anger. WRONG (256)
• And Anakin reacts like it’s a mistake that he blew up the ship they were supposed to destroy. WRONG (257)
• “Now THIS is Podracing!” Not exactly. There’s not too many similarities, actually. WRONG (258)
• And destroying the control ship disables all the droids. Good to know your army can be put to a halt by destroying one thing. WRONG (259)
• So there’s a bus that goes straight from Coruscant to Naboo. Couldn’t they have just taken that instead of going to Tatooine? WRONG (260)
• And Queen Amidala changes her outfit again despite having no time to. WRONG (261)
• There’s a hinting of the future when the movie plays the Imperial March, which seems like it’s good, but is actually WRONG (262). The reason is that modern audiences will be watching this in chronological order, so the significance of the theme will be lost to them. It only makes sense if you watch it in production order.
• Yoda originally doesn’t want to let Obi Wan train Anakin, but when he essentially says “Pretty please with gumdrops on top?” Yoda lets him. WRONG (263)
• I should mention in the 2011 Blu-Ray, Yoda was made CG like in the rest of the prequels, this is WRONG (264) because it’s unnecessary. The Yoda puppet looks fine here, it’s just there as part of Lucas’ “If you got it, strut it” policy. The problem is, Yoda in those movies looks fake, whereas the puppet looks pretty real. It also makes it harder to interact with him.
• The movie also rips off the scene where Vader’s body is burnt by having the same thing happen to Qui Gon. WRONG (265)
• And the Queen goes through another outfit change for no good reason. WRONG (266)
• I like the subtle forshadowing as the camera lingers on Palpatine after the Jedi ask if they got the Master or Apprentice. GOOD (28)
• The movie ends with a ripoff of the celebration scene from Episode VI. WRONG (267)
• But there is a good twist to it, and we end the movie on something that’s GOOD (29): further foreshadowing. The Naboo celebrates, but it’s for a bad cause. A happier version of the Emperor’s theme plays in the background. They have won the battle for now, but they are about to lose everything….
• But we’re not done! The CREDITS have some things WRONG (268) with them, too. First is how they cut to black when they scroll, rather than keep the starry background.
• And the final thing that’s WRONG (269) with the movie that’s actually in the movie is the use of Vader’s breath, for the same reasons as the use of the Imperial March is. It requires you to have seen the movies in production order, but modern audiences will watch them in chronological order. Ideally the prequels should function on their own, but they don’t. I guess this is the final element of the popularity of the originals slipping into the prequels.

And with that, we reach the end of the movie. 2 hours and 14 minutes of pure pain. But I have some more things I want to add.

• First, one last WRONG (270) thing. I ask you, Lucas: was it all worth it? You have singlehandedly fractured the fans of Star Wars into factions. You’ve singlehandedly destroyed the career of Jake Lloyd, who people refer to his character by the actor’s name as something wrong with the movie. And you’ve singlehandedly destroyed your own reputation. Nevermore will George Lucas be known as the man who created Star Wars. Between this and the Special Edition, he will now forever be known as the man who ruined Star Wars.
• But I end this whole adventure with something that’s GOOD (30). What did this actually accomplish? Or, to be more accurate, what did it damage? People got attached to the Expanded Universe because it offered a continuation of the franchise. Nothing was really contradicted; even Anakin and C-3PO didn’t have backstories until this movie. One could argue the Midichlorians damaged the Force, but people have ignored them completely, even concocting theories that they merely conduct the Force, not cause it. We even gained a new era for writers to play in without losing the old one. You’ll note that games still had a connection to the original trilogy without it being affected by this movie. Galactic Battlegrounds, for instance, had factions from both this movie and the originals without anything contradicting. So really, in the grand scheme of things, <i<The Phantom Menace</i> is the most harmless of the prequels. It can easily be ignored, it doesn’t have to hurt anyone.

And now we’re truly done with the movie. Of course, I’m not done. Keep checking back for the rest of the movies, original and prequel, along with a look at The Clone Wars CG cartoon. And plenty more things wrong, and maybe some things right, with all of them.
Everything Wrong With Episode I Part 6
Also, if you spot something I missed, let me know and I'll consider it for an addendum. Opinions vary, so I can't use all of it, but if I find something that's reasonable, I'll put it in.
Last time...
Trade blockade.
Ambassador assassination.
Opposite invasion.
Wasted space.
Water world.
Outrageous outfits.
Shiny ship.
Blockade breakthrough.
Desert distraction.
Wild child.
Risky race.
Passed parent.
Many problems.
Not done.
Let's continue...


So we reach our fourth milestone: the Jedi land on Coruscant. With that, we are over halfway into the movie. The good times are over, and we’re reaching closer to the ending. But the worst comes now, as we reach the home of the biggest problems in the movie.

• So not too long into the whole thing, and I got some advice. First, there are technically militarized trade groups, so I’ve RETRACTED (175) one of the problems.
• That same person pointed out that Palpatine’s plan in the end is kinda problematic. Since he’s playing both the Seperatists and the Republic, he’s basically playing chess against himself. But all this stuff can happen naturally, does he really need to control both sides? It could’ve worked if he was working only for himself, being a double agent and sending information without necessarily running the show. All he needs to do is make a few pushes, not stage a war against himself. I realize this is technically more a thing WRONG (176) with Episode II and III, but the seeds of this started here, so it counts.
• He also pointed out there was a wasted opportunity to make Jar Jar useful by giving him a character arc. Letting him grow as the movie goes on, kinda like Luke did. Instead he’s a buffoon throughout the whole thing. WRONG (177)
• Our next thing comes from the Plinket review: when the Federation captured the Queen, there was ample time to force her to sign the treaty. Instead they move her away. Remember, you can just kill her and forge the signature if she says no. WRONG (178)
• Both sources say it would’ve made more sense for Anakin to refurbish C-3PO rather than scratchbuild him. WRONG (179)
• Now that I’ve covered what other people have said, let’s get back to my own thoughts. Namely, we’re over halfway into the movie. What’s the plot? None of the characters go through character arcs, barely any events are important to the plan; the entire movie feels like a bunch of random events strewn together with sloppy transitions. WRONG (180)
• I will give the movie one thing, though: the music is GOOD (22) throughout the whole thing. It’s got a lot of tracks that end up being iconic, including the awesome Duel of the Fates, which would become recognized as the theme of the movie.
• Onto the actual movie. Coruscant is apparently one big city. That doesn’t seem plausible because planets are big. How long did it take to make the entire city? Remember, this city is the literal size of a planet. WRONG (181)
• Also, mid-air traffic presents a big problem. Imagine the worst traffic accident you can come across, but one you can actually survive. Now imagine that traffic accident from thirty stories into the air. You have basically combined the ease of cars crashing with the dangers of planes crashing. WRONG (182)
• In the background, Jar Jar is messing with a guard, bringing the Jar Jar Does Something Stupid count to 15. WRONG (183)
• So they take Anakin with them to the political area, instead of to the Jedi Council despite the situation calling for it. WRONG (184)
• And Jar Jar calls the Queen hot and raises the count to 16. WRONG (185)
• The scene where Palpatine talks about the Senators being corrupt could’ve been skipped to the part where he says there’s little chance they’d act on the invasion. WRONG (186)
• Palpatine says they’d have to accept Federation control of Naboo. Not only does this not make the Queen turn on him, but also doesn’t automatically blow his cover. WRONG (187)
• We go to the Jedi Council, where we meet Mace Windu. Mace has been widely considered to be the most badass Jedi ever, but really, why is that? Because he has a purple Lightsaber and is played by Samuel L. Jackson. For one, the characters don’t know who Samuel L. Jackson is, so that doesn’t matter. For another, he doesn’t act like any other character Jackson performs. He doesn’t scream, he isn’t cool, he’s just… stoic. There are plenty of other actors who’re good with calm black characters and popular, Morgan Freeman, for one, so Samuel just seems miscast. WRONG (188)

I should mention that right now my computer is screaming at me to stop. This review is several megabytes large, and it’s becoming hard to save. Nonetheless, because I feel like I have to do this, I will continue.

• And at this point, we get the revelation that Anakin was conceived by the Midichlorians. I’ve already mentioned why both of these things are wrong, but what’s also WRONG (189) is that it basically replaces “The Force” with “The Midichlorians.”
• “You refer to the prophecy of the one who will bring balance to the Force.” No he didn’t. You just assume he did. WRONG (190)
• Anakin says he’s on his way to the Jedi Temple. How did he know that? Did he read further into the script, er… see further into the future? We don’t see how he found out. WRONG (191)
• And now we arrive at the infamous space politics scene, and I realize there’s more of a problem than just that it’s boring, though that is WRONG (192) itself…
• …it’s not that the scene is unnecessary, it’s entirely necessary. It’s just that the focus of this movie is primarily about politics. Trade disputes, negotiations, political debate; this entire movie has a primarily political spin. It’s like it wants to be a political thriller, but puts too much emphasis on politics. Look at a movie like Star Trek VI. The politics are but a backdrop to the story, which contains plenty of action. Here, politics is the story. This is WRONG (193) because an essential part of Star Wars is WAR. Good versus evil, a Rebellion against an Empire, all exciting things. Here, the story is about mundane things. And let me point out that Lucas insists it’s a children’s movie. Children have no interest in politics, and are most likely bored by them. It doesn’t satisfy its original audience, it doesn’t satisfy the new audience, it just leaves both sides annoyed.
• The effects for this scene also look bad, being obviously green-screned. WRONG (194)
• That Trade Federation senator is obviously hiding something. He’s also lying under oath. While the latter isn’t necessarily wrong, that he isn’t cross-examined is WRONG (195).
• Palpatine spells it all out, which kinda comes across as childish writing. WRONG (196)
• “I was not elected to watch my people suffer and die while you discuss this invasion in a committee.” They are not a committee! WRONG (197)
• Okay, so they want to send some people to make sure she’s telling the truth, but Amidala says they’re gonna fight on their own. In that case, why not just do that from the start? It would’ve foiled Palpatine’s plan due to not needing the vote of no confidence in Valorum. WRONG (198)
• Okay, so in this next scene Obi-Wan and Qui Gon are discussing Anakin. This scene starts a tradition common in the latter two prequels, “Walking And Talking From the Right, Slowing Down And Stopping, Turning To Each Other And Talking In Shot-Reverse Shot.” It’s exactly what it sounds like, and it gets really repetitive after a while. WRONG (199)
• So Obi-Wan wants to follow the council’s ruling, but in Episode V he says he used to be as rash as Luke. WRONG (200)
• They test Anakin by asking him to name what’s on a screen, the rough equivalent of “How Many Fingers Am I Holding Up?” Only it’s not quite like that, because data can’t be fooled. Does that mean Anakin can read minds? Like, Mace’s mind to see through his eyes? But then, why does he never demonstrate that kind of power all throughout the saga? WRONG (201)
• “Fear is the path of the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate… leads to suffering.” That… that doesn’t make a lot of sense. What if we fear for someone’s life, and want to protect him? Anger and hate I’ll give you, but anger doesn’t necessarily mean hate if Luke’s rage against Vader tells us anything. Let me point out that this line was in the trailer. The FIRST trailer. WRONG (202)
• There is a sense of Jar Jar starting to mature in the scene where he and the Queen lament the suffering of their people. GOOD (23)
• Palpatine reacts with surprise that Amidala is going back to Naboo, even though she already said she was. WRONG (203)
• Somehow, Anakin is too old to be trained despite being in his middle childhood. This leads to bad tidings for what is old enough. WRONG (204)
• Yoda forgets what he says about the future and uses it as an excuse to not train Anakin. WRONG (205)
• The music in one scene rips off the music when Luke starts travelling to the homestead before he finds the Stormtroopers’ handiwork. WRONG (206)
• “The boy is dangerous.” You’d better hope Anakin was distracted when you said that and wasn’t listening, because he’s very close to you. WRONG (207)
• This is our second Walking And Talking, Slow And Stop, Shot Reverse Shot scene, only it’s to the left. WRONG (208)
• Anakin asks what Midichlorians are. I already brought up the reasons why they’re bad. If Anakin hadn’t asked that, we’d all be happier people. WRONG (209)
• So I just realized another thing WRONG (210) with the Midichlorians. They’re basically technobabble. You listen to the dialogue, it sounds totally made up.
• In just this scene Queen Amidala goes through five outfits. That wardrobe must be really important! WRONG (211)
• Might I point out that until Jar Jar says they’re going home, the tone of the dialogue is very flat. All lines are spoken in a boring way. They don’t sound enthused in any of this. WRONG (212)

And with that, we reach milestone number five. Perhaps my 500 estimate was incorrect. I assume the number will at least be in the 300 range.

We're almost done with our journey, so tune in next time for when we take a look at the ending. All four of them. And with it, more things wrong.
Last time, on Dragon Ball Z...

The sinister Trade Federation invaded the planet of Namek with their armies of droids! Qui Goku and Obi Gohan tried to negotiate with them, but they wouldn't listen!

After a narrow escape, the Jedi landed on the planet Namek itself, encountering a local and the Queen! They managed to escape narrowly from the blockade, but ran out of power!

In order to repair the hyperdrive, the J Fighters travelled to Tatooine, where they found the part they needed... for a price! While they tried to formulate a plan, they came across a mysterious youth, with a shocking hidden power!

"Obi Gohan, what does the Midichlorian tracker say about his Power Level?"
"What, twenty-thousand?! There's no way that could be right? COULD IIIIT?!"

That's right! It's the Legendary Super Jedi, the very Jedi that Darth Freeza feared would appear! But will his powers be used for good, or for ill?!

Find out... TODAY... on DRAGON! BALL! Z!!, I mean...


Before we begin our next segment, I leave you with a thought: Freeza was afraid of the legend of a Super Saiyan, so he exterminated them except for four survivors. He took the strongest one under his wing, but was defeated by the Super Saiyan legend being true. Palpatine was afraid of the one who’d bring Balance to the Force, so he exterminated the Jedi except for four survivors. He took the strongest one under his wing, but was defeated by the Balance to the Force prophecy being true. I’d count that as a ripoff, I’d count that as wrong, but Lucas probably doesn’t speak Japanese and the segment where it happened in DBZ aired in the US in 2000, but the movie in 1999.

• So the cool thing about Darth Maul is he has his own theme music. Every time he appears, from his first appearance to the scene where he lands on Tatooine, he has some subtle chanting in the background, which adds to his image of awesome. GOOD (14)
• There is something WRONG (145) though in that the chanting, in this scene, starts before he appears. It happens in the middle of the fallout of the Over 20,000 scene.
• Let me just point out right now that the chapter stops are a real mess. They often start far too early despite being named differently. This scene is called “Meet the Podracers,” for instance, but it starts around when Anakin first shows off his Podracer. Because of this, there’s not a lot of chapter stops, which makes me worried to turn this off, because I know I’ll lose my progress. WRONG (146)
• As the Sith Infiltrator moves to Tatooine, the planet looks grey. I don’t think planets are supposed to look like they’re at night in space. This isn’t a case of the sun being away, there is clearly a side that’s dark. WRONG (147)
• As the ship lands on the planet, it obviously looks like CGI. WRONG (148)

My word count is over 9000 now. This presents a problem….

• So we have a Bantha as the racers prepare. The Bantha obviously looks CG, despite being able to make one without CG just fine in Episode IV. WRONG (149)
• And Qui Gon cheats at the gamble Watto proposes. While it could be said that Jedi make their own luck, I prefer to think of it as him using loaded dice. Never ask a Jedi to play a dice-based game, as you’ll be very poor very fast. WRONG (150)
• Jar Jar does a stupid grin and raises his Jar Jar Does Something Stupid count to 13 WRONG (151)
• “This is so wizard, Annie!” Tatooine slang is weird. WRONG (152)
• The scene with the probe droid Maul sends out is kinda unnecessary. WRONG (153)
• This Podrace introduction goes on for far too long, introducing everyone. It wasn’t that long originally, most of this was a deleted scene, and it was deleted for a good reason: it wastes time. WRONG (154)
• To add to the problem, a good deal of the racers are CG, some of them unnecessarily so, like Clegg Holdfast. WRONG (155)
• So one of the announcers speaks entirely in Huttese. He is not translated at all, whether by subtitle, people repeating his dialogue, or anything. We are unaware of half of the announcer chatter. WRONG (156)
• Ody Mandrell’s Pit Droid team is basically the Three Stooges. It’s tasteless and cheap. WRONG (157)
• Jar Jar gets caught up in a fart by one of the animals and raises the Jar Jar Does Something Stupid count to 14. WRONG (158)
• Jabba the Hutt announces the race begins. Why is he here? To make the fans happy he’s here! WRONG (159)
• But it raises the question, is this Podrace illegal? If not, then why would a mob boss announce its start? WHAT? (3)
• The scene with the engines starting goes for far too long. WRONG (160)
• Let’s discuss Podracing for a moment. The sport itself. The Podracing scene is considered an iconic element in the movie. It’s remembered somewhat fondly, mostly because of tie-in material like racing games, and miniature Pods in the style of Hot Wheels. So in a sense, it’s GOOD (15) because it’s iconic.
• That said, Podracing is incredibly similar to the old sport of Chariot Racing, made famous by the movie Ben Hur. While it’s true that Chariot Racing has some modern equivalents in our time, like Drift Racing and NASCAR, there are a lot of similarities with the Chariot Race in Ben Hur, and the Podrace here. Two engines being supported by a driver. Two horses moving a controller. Sebulba uses a flame jet on the side of his engine. A cheater in Ben Hur uses a spiked wheel on the side of his chariot. Characters die in both Ben Hur and this because of the race. There are still some mostly original elements, but there are a lot of similarities.
But then, Star Wars is no stranger to using elements from earlier movies. From just A New Hope, the storyline is lifted from The Hidden Fortress, the escape from the TIE Fighters resembles World War II gunnery segments, and the bombing run against the Death Star is lifted from The Dam Busters. It all ends with a homage to the celebration scene in Triumph of the Will. And the story itself is a modern day reimagining of the classic Hero’s Journey, made famous through Joseph Campbell’s Hero of a Thousand Faces. So this segment, which lifts from Ben Hur, is basically more of the same: a modern day homage to classic movies. If we criticize this movie for being unoriginal, we must also criticize Episode IV for the exact same problems. In the end, it’s NEITHER wrong nor good. It’s just a storytelling element.
• Jabba starts the race by beheading a small frog and spitting into the bell, which is a missed-point version of when he eats the frog in Episode VI. WRONG (161)
• Aurra Sing makes her first (and last) appearance in the foreground in this scene. Lucasfilm tried to make her into the next Boba Fett, and heavily hyped her as such. Thing is, trying to make a character popular is WRONG (162) because it usually ends up with just the opposite: a Mary Sue. Sing has the opposite problem. In trying to make her low key, she instead comes off as completely lacking anything interesting. She has no cool appearance, no lines of dialogue, her body language doesn’t suggest characterization, she doesn’t do anything cool. She just… stands there. Compare that with the descriptions I detailed last time for Darth Maul and Boba Fett, and it’s no wonder why she failed.
• There are a lot of shots in the Podrace that are mostly the same thing: a pan from the right as the racers zoom by, moving the camera behind them. It gets repetitive after a while. WRONG (163)
• And to further ruin the reputation of Stormtroopers, Tusken Raiders can shoot fast Podracers from a long distance, while Stormtroopers can barely hit a slow-moving target. WRONG (164)
• Ody Mandrell’s Stooges get into an accident and ruin his Pod. This is quite lowbrow. WRONG (165)
• I will say this: Quadrinaros’ Pod failing is kinda funny. GOOD (16)
• Apparently “Oh no” is a standard Huttese phrase. WRONG (166)
• Jar Jar’s reaction in one scene is a lot more low-key than I thought it would be. He’s improving. GOOD (17)
• “Oh, I don’t care what universe you’re from, that’s GOTTA hurt!” There’s more than one universe? WRONG (167)
• And the movie starts playing a piece of music it already used. WRONG (168)
• I like Sebulba’s reaction to losing completely. You can’t understand what he’s saying, but you know EXACTLY what he’s saying. GOOD (18)
• In an awkward bit of bad comedy, Jabba fell asleep partway through the race, and has to be woken up. WRONG (169)
• And that’s the end of the Podrace. And not gonna lie, it was quite GOOD (19). It was exciting, there was just enough tension, overall, not much to talk about during the race itself.
• Shmi sounds wooden as she congratulates Annie. WRONG (170)
• Jake Lloyd’s acting is good in the scene where he goes with Qui Gon to become a Jedi. He feels like a real kid here. He even has a properly used “Yippee” here, because this is a pretty big event. GOOD (20)
• Not gonna lie, Anakin sounds sarcastic when he talks to 3PO. This seems more like a mistake. WRONG (171)
• More good Jake Lloyd acting when he says goodbye to his mother. He really seems sad to go. I don’t get why people says he can’t act, he’s doing pretty GOOD (21) here.
• Anakin leaves Shmi and promises he’ll come back to free her. Apparently he couldn’t keep his promise, because everyone forgets about her for the rest of the movie, and even a lot in the next. WRONG (172)
• I didn’t get to mention this, but the Rodian kid is apparently Greedo. Does this make Rodians unaging? WRONG (173)
• Back on Naboo, a commander droid looks for the underwater villages, despite it not being hinted the Nemodians even knew about them. WRONG (174)
• So the movie is trying to set up a relationship between a teenager and a child. While ages aren’t given in the movie, it’s still WRONG (175) to have these two be in a romantic relationship.
• I was pointed this out by a friend of mine: why don’t they sell the ship and buy a transport? The ship can be retrofitted by its buyer to make it work, you could then use the money you got from the ship, and might I point out that Watto considers it a VERY valuable ship, to hire a smuggler to get you to Coruscant. In fact, with the smuggler, you could conceivably hide from the Federation a lot better since they’ll be looking for the Queen’s ship, not some random smuggler’s. WRONG (176)

Well, that was pretty short. But I promise you the next segment will be the most painful part of the movie, so tune in for a senate hearing, a council hearing, flat dialogue, and points I already discussed before. And plenty more things wrong.
Everything Wrong With Episode I Part 4
Also, if you spot something I missed, submit a comment and I'll consider it for an addendum. Opinions vary, so not everything will get in, but if I think it's legitimate, I'll keep it.


Leonard Lawrence McCoy
United States
Current Residence: Washington
Favourite genre of music: Soundtrack
Favourite style of art: Anime
Operating System: Windows XP
MP3 player of choice: Windows Media Player
Wallpaper of choice: 3050 Upgrade cover
Favourite cartoon character: Vegeta
Personal Quote: Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and if you disagree you are not a true fan.
So there's a new layout here. My thoughts? Meh. I'll get used to it. I've done so with the other yearly layouts.

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Add a Comment:
alexwarlorn Featured By Owner Edited Sep 16, 2014… The Pony POV Seies' Finale Arc, three years in the making has begun. You were there at the start. Be there at the beginning of the end too! It'll be fun! :-) Heh. Trust me on this. 
Gojira012 Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2013
By the way did you read the rest of my PPGD Rewrite
Darkton93 Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2013
Eh, I tried. I couldn't seem to get past 3. Seemed a little confusing with the changing formats. It also seemed a little copy paste.
Flagged as Spam
S7alker117 Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for the fav!! :highfive:
gamerma Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2013
thx 4 da fav
roxas617 Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I'd like to ask for evidence that CR was attacking others for their opinions.
Darkton93 Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2013
That's just it. I think he's hiding the evidence. The evidence can only be found from outside sources, like TvTropes.
roxas617 Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Where on TVtropes?
Darkton93 Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2013
On his page.
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